That lonely girl

When i first got a Youtube account, i was always lonely. It was after i moved south to VA. I didnt know anyone, i couldnt relate to anyone, and honestly i didnt like the people i was surrounded by. I wasn't accepted for who i was by hardly anyone, and became very depressed, so my screen name became Thatlonelygirl19.

Just now, i was reading my favorite blogger, Nikki Rice, and she coined a phrase that made me realize a major reason for my depression. She said something to the extent of "that lonely feeling you get from being in a new place." Its exactly what i was feeling when i sat down to write this blog, and after she helped me realize that was what it is, i started to try to describe it. Its like butterflies in your stomache, but maybe more like junebugs when they're buzzing, and you feel as if you've just forgotten something but you cant remember what it is and you know if you dont remember it soon, you're gonna have a problem, and its a lot like that feeling you get when you're about to share something personal with a big room full of people who probably dont care. (Very similar to reading your own poems at open mic night!) In my opinion, this is possibly the worst feeling in the world when you don't know what it is or why you have it, because youre not in front of a crowd, and you haven't forgotten anything, and you most certainly havent swallowed a cicada.

I realized my entire life has been lived around that very feeling. I grew up in a family where you did everything on eggshells and you learned not to ask for anything ever, because your mother was crazy and didnt want you, or want you to be happy. I never felt at home in my home. When we moved south, i was the wierd kid who spoke funny. I changed my image and style as rapidly as an electrocuted chameleon, and therefore made myself untouchable. I didnt belong to any group, and only knew how to push people away because that is what i had learned. Today i have no friends from high school that i speak with regularly. Soon, i decided i needed to create a persona that made my family and church accept me, because according to what they were promoting to me, i should be well liked by them, and i wasn't. So i convinced myself that it was certainly me, and not them.

So i changed, i became conservative, i wished i was home-schooled like the other kids, my style become long drapey covering clothing, i wore hardly any make-up and tried to make my personality emulate that of the girls around me. Of course, charades is a tiring game and can only last so long. I managed to keep some fooled, but hard feeling developed on my half of things, and that familiar feeling returned to my gut and i left. I found a church that was a bit wierder and tried to fit there.

I had convinced myself so well that i was a church person that i forgot who i had once aspired to be. I began to hate the religion all together. So i backed up and waited for the feeling in my stomach to change. Of course it didnt. I was left wondering what i was doing. I turned to substances. I had turned 21 so i began to drink, i smoked, i did it all. My body image declined as well. I had cut my hair as short as i could in a fit of defiance and regretted that as well. I believed that everyone around me despised me because i despised myself. That feeling in my stomach returned and stayed, becoming darker and darker and i slipped back into serious depression and suicidal tendencies. I tried cutting myself, but it hurt (imagine that) and i tried taking a lot of pills (but i got scared and made myself puke a lot) and i eventually just became restless and destructive. I could find no rest.

Realizing you've come to that point is a horrifying thing. I struggled with the idea of starting counseling. Eventually i did, and i realized my biggest struggle was trying to find an identity. As a small person growing into a big person, i didnt have the positive reinforcement at home to give me enough confidence to establish myself. I was always looking for approval. I couldn't even make small decisions for myself.

Since then, i try to keep in mind my skewed mindset, i try to keep in mind that i have emotional intensity that i sometimes cant control, and i try most to keep in mind what i like, what i dont like, my opinion, and what it takes to make one. I try to remember that those who mind dont matter and that those who matter dont mind. I spend a few more moments than most trying to decide what i want in line at the coffee shop, and i look for art in everything. I remember that the beatles and regina spektor make me happy and that its my personality to repeat a song album until i can sing along. There are a hundred million idiosyncrasies that make me who i am, and they have become precious like emeralds to me. I love when someone can point out something they associate solely with me. I know better what makes me happy, and Nikki Rice's comment in her note brought me through all those memories to remind me exactly that.